Yesterday was the 2-year anniversary of the passing of my father. I can say I miss him, I can say I wish he was here - but those words just don't seem to match the void that was created when died. Between the crying and the memories, yesterday just sucked. It one of those days where no matter what you do, you can't get your mind to happier times.
How do you express the sheer sadness and harbored anger you have?
Screaming? "AAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Satisfying, for about a second.
Sobbing? Yes, until you have dried out your reserves and still feel like crap.
How about embracing yourself in fetal position on the bed while you shudder, shake, quiver, and tremble?
I found that love is what I needed. So last night as my husband was laying next to his sobbing wife he rolled towards me, pulled me close, wrapped his arms around me, and said, "I love you." It wasn't, "I love you, now please stop crying." It was I accept you - your sadness- your crying- your red, puffy eyes - and I love you just the same. It was not just acceptance of my feelings, but acknowledgement that my feelings are valid and relevant.
That moment (tender and touching) was a defining one for me. I have my person. That person that everyone has, the one that you turn to for everything and anything. That person who sees your soul. That person who can bring feelings of love even in the darkest of my sadness. I call him a soul mate, a best friend, a lover, a husband, a companion, and a great man.
So what started as a very dismal day (rightly so), I realized that even when one love fades it can continue on. The love my father had for me can't be replaced, but it can be satisfied by the love that my husband, family, and friends bring to me.
31 August 2009
My Darling Husband exposed me to an iPod when we first starting dating and proceeded to buy me one for my birthday 3 years ago. He never explained the ramifications that come with having an iPod. I am constantly searching for songs that can serve as a soundtrack to my life. If I'm running, Fergie runs with me. If I'm showering, usually Greenday is lathering up with me. Am I grocery shopping today? Sugarland comes along.
Well what I'm getting at is, along with the fascination of my life's soundtrack, I've also turned into a lyric lover. I love finding songs that artists have written that fit my current mood, stage, or chapter in life. So, in light of my new blog, I thought I would share what I am currently listening to on the beloved iPod.
"Fix You" - Coldplay
"Halo" - Beyonce
"Hometown Glory" - ADELE
"You Belong With Me" - Taylor Swift
"Come a Little Closer" - Dierks Bentley
"You and Me" - Dave Matthews Band
"Never Say Never" - The Fray
"If You're Wondering if I You To ( I Want You To)" - Weezer
"It Happens" - Sugarland
It is so refreshing to find a song that has all the words you have been struggling to find.
It is also, comforting to know that someone "gets" that I-am-doing-everything-in-my-power-not-to-fall-apart feeling.
And yes, it is encouraging to know that you are not alone.
So when I find myself excited about good news, down on my luck, or frustrated with chores, AND all by myself - I turn to the MANY friends I have on my iPod. NO - it doesn't replace a hug, laugh, or shoulder to cry on, but in a pinch - it helps.
This thing called the music industry isn't a billion dollar one for nothing...
Fairly recently, I sat down with a friend and rehashed every dirty detail of my life. Which on other occasions resulted in a sob-fest and a gallon of ice cream. This time was different, I've reached a stage (in life? in mind?) that I can talk about how messy my life has been with a "no regrets" attitude. With a smile on my face I can honestly (and I really mean it this time) say "I'm Okay with how things are turning out for me." No, it is never perfect, or easy, or even fun sometimes, but it is mine. It is what I make it and want it to be.
So, here I am. On a blog site, willing to bare the messy parts of my life. The embarassing, the frustrating, and the deep-down-hit-you-in-the-stomach-spit-in-your-face sadness that sometimes life throws in your path.
I've always liked the idea of a diary or daily journal, but I've never followed through longer than a month. This seems much easier, though a little scarier. I like the fact that other people can read this and can maybe relate. Because when you get down to it, this isn't just my story. Everyone has some parts of their lives that was messy. Either the past was, the present is, or the future will be. So lets toast! (my morning coffee) To wishing-hoping-praying-longing for the load to be a little lighter, for the good-luck to stay a little longer, and that people will actually read this!